In last week’s blog we looked at the phenomena of the sexless marriage, explored a few of the reasons such a situation can come about and discussed how common this issue has become in today’s society.
To quickly recap things for you, a sexless marriage is when the spark of physical intimacy has been lost between a previously sexually active couple who then find themselves living as room mates rather than enjoy the life of a healthy loving relationship. There are many reasons as to how this situation can come about and often it is a gradual process of lessening erotic encounters until one, or both parties involved realise that their needs are not being met.
But once this situation has been reached, what can we do to try to fix things?
The first step to take is to address the issue honestly with your partner. Often, the pain of being in a sexless marriage is felt more strongly by one of the individuals involved than the other, who may be unaware that there is an issue. This could be due to a tiring work schedule, health concerns or other stresses meaning that for them the issue of sex isn’t something that they think about or prioritize. If this is the case, confronting the issue can be a difficult prospect as it will be easy for your concerns to sound like accusations, prompting your partner to feel unfairly criticized and resentful.
Nonetheless, the needs of both parties will need to be addressed before they can be remedied and everyone concerned will have to agree that they want their previous erotic life back before steps are taken to bring that about.
Once the issue is brought into the open, it is important to explore why this has happened. As mentioned, it could creep into the marriage or relationship slowly, or it could have been brought about by a traumatic experience which you will both need to learn to reconcile and move on from. A therapist can be extremely useful in this situation as they can look at your relationship from a neutral standpoint and help to pinpoint the reasons why things have gotten this way.
Another great way to find your mojo again is to start by bringing non-sexual intimacy back into the bedroom. A symptom of a sexless marriage can be a lack of other physical affection and kisses and cuddles will also have disappeared from your life. If you can bring non-demanding intimacy back without sexual intent then it isn’t uncommon for sexual desire to return so think about massages and more bodily contact. Even a kiss on the cheek or a warm embrace from a partner can help to normalize the act of closeness that you may be missing.
One thing commonly reported by those suffering from this issue is that sex has become a chore or an expectation rather than a source of pleasure. Stripped to it’s basic elements, the act of love making can seem like a mechanical process, so try to turn that around by making things fun again! Set aside one evening a week, a date night so to speak, where you both agree to set some time aside to have fun, relax and explore each other’s desires. Here you can discuss fantasies, play games, watch erotic movies or read to each other from sensual literature.
Some people can find that new lingerie and some mood setting can work wonders, so some relaxing music, candles and massage oils might be all it takes to revitalize your inner thrill seeker.
The truth of the matter is, unfortunately, that a sexless marriage takes work to fix and requires dedication and attention from both parties to return to a place of mutual satisfaction. This is largely because the reasons for such a situation can be diverse and will often need to be addressed first, with the lack of intimacy being a symptom of other problems that need to be addressed. Though do not give up hope! Help is available to assist you on your return to a loving relationship.
A modern definition of a sexless marriage is when the couple make love together less than ten times a year. If this sounds like something that is effecting you, then get in touch with us here at the London Love School and we will be happy to discuss ways in which we can help you to reignite your passion!