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"You always put me last!" Sex after Children.

Emese Taylor, 13 September 2017

For many, the goal of childbirth is an important factor in their pursuit of marriage or a relationship. Even on a subconscious level and as much as we might wish to think otherwise, our lusts, attractions and affections will be revolving around our need to produce offspring.

It’s in someways ironic then that when a child is born to a couple it can often bring with it a host of stress, worry, anxiety and other issues that can drive a wedge between a previously loving and happy couple and cause lasting issues in that very relationship that has brought it about.

Unsurprisingly, sex will often take a backseat after childbirth. Couples commonly report waiting six to eight weeks before becoming sexually active after the birth of a child, but even then couples can experience changes in their sexual lifestyle.

On a recent mumsnet survey 44% of women claimed that they enjoyed sex less after childbirth and over 50% said they could either take or leave sex or avoided it entirely. Nearly 80% said that they had sex less after childbirth though 75% agreed that sex was an important factor in maintaining a healthy relationship once they had children.

These last two figures are particularly worrying as there is a contradiction between them and it is important to look at the factors behind this.

There will obviously be a change in the female body, it’s chemistry, needs and stresses. The couple’s priorities will shift to accommodate their new family member and they will begin finding it hard to make any time for themselves. Months and years will pass and often without realising it a couple will find themselves in a passionless state of little to no sexual activity.

They find themselves no longer as Husband and Wife or a loving couple, rather as parents, which is very noble profession but if no time is made to explore each other’s needs then it can lead to the disintegration of the relationship or one of the partners looking elsewhere to fulfill their needs.

Whilst it’s not easy to rekindle that magic in the bedroom, there are some small things you can try to rediscover your erotic self. Important advice for a man is to be attentive to your partner. Be this in the months following childbirth or during the years that have passed, your partner will appreciate consideration and attention. This is a great way to reconnect, with non-demanding physical contact and verbal communication, reassuring her that she is beautiful and amazing and the woman of your dreams!

For a woman, it is vital that you communicate your needs and feelings, but also take time to listen to those of your partner. If there is a financial problem or a parenting issue then you would be sure to discuss it, so why not treat sex with the same consideration? For many, things in their erotic life won’t be returning to normal or as they had been previously, but this doesn’t mean that it has to be an end to things. Be ready to adapt, to make changes. Look at arranging date nights when you and your partner can put aside some alone time whilst leaving your child with a family member or friend and reconnecting with your sexual needs.

If the sex has gone in a relationship for any reason then it can be very easy for one partner to consider the other to be selfish in their expectation. Sex is, however, a basic human need, the need for which has resulted in the lives of everyone on the planet today and it’s importance should not be underestimated or trivialised.

If the loving has gone from your life, for whatever reason, then get in touch with us here at the London Love School and we would be glad to discuss ways we can help you.

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