For many of us, a lasting relationship is a primary aspiration. For some, this will be due to their desire for companionship, for others a pursuit that results in children of their own. It is not uncommon for a relationship to be viewed as a culmination of everything one has worked towards; studying hard for a good education, striving for progression in the work place and building a comfortable home can all be seen as pieces to a larger puzzle that make up the foundations of a solid relationship.
So why then, do so many of us find ourselves feeling fearful when we are at the very place we have striven so hard to be? There are many, many, reasons why this might be the case, but they can largely be thought of as variations of the following three concerns:
The Fear of Abandonment
Sadly this is an all too frequent complaint. For those who have previously lost a loved one or family member (be that through death, divorce or a chosen separation), a constant fear of abandonment can be a very harmful prospect. For them, a dread that they will be turned away by the one they love can create a terrible feeling within them which in turn makes them appear clingy to their partner.
This can then become a self fulfilling prophesy as their partner feels trapped by the lack of free space they are allowed and in the worst case scenario can be driven away from a relationship by this very fear.
The Fear of Competition
It would be lovely if desire and our attraction to others could be something that we are able to turn off at will. In our first months within a relationship, we only have eyes (and hearts!) for our new partners as the blossoming of new love weaves it’s wonderful magic within.
Over time, this does sadly fade and we will most likely start to become aware of other people again. Not to say that plans are immediately hatched for infidelity, but for many the fact that they are finding other people attractive again will strike a mortal terror in them that their partner is doing the same. And that this will inevitably lead to adultery!
This rather exaggerated example goes someway to showing how our initial adoration can (and often will) erode over time, leaving us with fears we would rather not have to consider. It is only natural to worry that your partner no longer finds you attractive as routines are fallen into and you both cease to become as meticulous in your presentation as you perhaps were during your initial courtship.
If this is a worry that bothers you then rest assured, it will most certainly have crossed your partners mind at some stage as well!
The Fear of Failure
There is an immense amount of pressure on us to achieve successes in our relationship. This does fly somewhat counter to the statistics that show that the majority of relationships will struggle at some stage, yet still, when you do run into problems of your own it can feel as though your World has ground to a halt.
The fact of the matter is, every relationship will have it’s own difficulties. For some when growing up their parents may have hid their arguments from their children, so they be under the illusion that they have failed as they are arguing where their parents did not. For others the opposite is true and they may have vowed not to argue in that ways that their parents did in an attempt to prove themselves better.
We are all very critical of ourselves, we are all riddled with fears and a relationship can be a high stakes situation where you want to desperately cling to what you have. And as we have said before, one of the best ways to diffuse these situations is to discuss your fears.
Let your partner know the things that bother you and ask them if they also harbor some concerns that you could help unburden them with. As much as you might wish to come across as fearless and confident, bravado is often no match for those soul consuming dark thoughts. So try to talk, to defuse a potentially disastrous set of anxieties you have and hopefully find yourself sleeping a little easier at night time.
Of course, if anything discussed hear resonates with you then we would be glad to discuss your concerns in confidence. Get in touch if you would like to make an appointment.